To all who have read and commented on my blog:
YOU are strong
YOU are blessed
YOU are special to me and all those you touch
YOU be the benchmark for change in those you care about
YOU are loved
YOU are my inspiration
Thank you for all of the words expressed here. I promise to continue writing. I apologize for being away for some time. My utmost love and best wishes to all of you. PLEASE continue to speak out and help others when you can. If you will, please send me your blog sites so that I can add them to mine if you have one! Stay strong, be tough and resolute, my friends!
Tracy
Gratitude
to my family...without whom I wouldn't be here
to my friends...you are my strength
to my fellow sufferers...you are here for me, I am here for you
to my friends...you are my strength
to my fellow sufferers...you are here for me, I am here for you
Survivng Domestic Abuse-Survivor Girl's story
Hello. I'm a survivor. Yes, I survived an abusive marriage. Please read my affirmations. I read them every day to remind me that I am special. I was divorced in June of 2005 after seventeen years of marriage. I have three beautiful sons. I left the marriage with nothing but my long-forgotten self. My former abuser is a successful professional who has no lack of material possessions and wealth. I have nothing except my boys, family, and friends...that makes me rich. I have a long way to go, but leaving was the first big step.
I hope I can help someone out there who needs help but doesn't know how to get it. I will do whatever I can to encourage you and help you to survive.
My marriage started out wonderfully. I found the man of my dreams...tall and handsome with beautiful light blue eyes. He would write me the most beautiful poems, and smart, so smart. I was smitten. We got married at twenty one and six months later I became pregnant with our first son. I was hit the first time in the forehead with a balled-up fist when my first son was around eighteen months old. I immediately called my parents and they told me that maybe he was just a little stressed since he was leaving the next day on deployment to the middle east. Of course, I felt sorry for him since he was having to leave and dismissed the hit. Sad mistake. It was, AT THAT VERY MOMENT, I subconsciously made abuse acceptable in my life. Looking back, it was a good thing I stayed with him or I wouldn't have my adorable second son. Well, the pattern of abuse continued...mostly verbal and emotional with a few shoves, etc thrown in there along the way for good measure. Gradually, I lost myself and became just a scared, angry, demoralized shell of a woman. Pathetic, huh? I began to believe through all of the lectures that I was a monster who didn't even deserve to be pissed on. Needless to say, I turned to alcohol to keep going through the day. I liked not caring. I wanted to slowly kill myself by drinking...didn't matter to me one bit. I self-mutilated quite a bit. It felt so good...what a wonderful release. I've broken all of my knuckles several times from pounding walls. I've slapped the snot out of myself, and cut my wrist. I would be dead right now if I hadn't filed for divorce when I did. I left with nothing. I just had to get out. One day in March of 2005, the x took me outside on the back porch (I had misbehaved...the kitchen was dirty) and lectured me again about how miserable he was, blah, blah, blah, then proceeded to tell me that July 4th, 2005 was going to be his 'independence day'...that he was leaving. I knew he was just bugging the shit out of me again, but that time I called his bluff and filed for divorce shortly after that. I was so, so very tired. He later said that he was just joking. Same old shit.
Well, I am still trying to find myself after being gone from myself for so long. Where do I begin? I just wake up grateful for my boys and for another day without abuse. I don't have anything and I know it is going to take time to heal, but I feel like I'm on the right track. I worry about my oldest boys since they witnessed and experienced alot of abuse. My oldest is already calling his girlfriend a dumbass and a fucking bitch. It breaks my heart. My ex has a new girlfriend and she is going to be in for a rude awakening if she stands up for herself during one of his tirades. I learned to automatically bow my head, cry fake tears, and say "You're right, I'm sorry."
It'll happen.
I didn't say anything to his boss about the documentation my lawyer has concerning his behavior. He is well paid and he needs to work to take care of college for my boys. Should I have gotten him fired? Yes. Why I didn't? I WOULD BE DEAD, FOR SURE. Initially, his boss went to him because word of abuse had reached him. The x denied it, and that was the end of that. Shame on his boss for taking an abusers word for it and leaving it alone!! Abuse victims often remain hidden in the shadows of silence and fear.
Anyway, I wanted to start a blog that can be a place for people to come and peek into my life in the hope of trying to understand what I went through. I have kept my life a secret for so long...I'm tired of hiding. I need to share in order to move on and heal. I write to remember that this will never happen to me again.
Survivor Girl
I hope I can help someone out there who needs help but doesn't know how to get it. I will do whatever I can to encourage you and help you to survive.
My marriage started out wonderfully. I found the man of my dreams...tall and handsome with beautiful light blue eyes. He would write me the most beautiful poems, and smart, so smart. I was smitten. We got married at twenty one and six months later I became pregnant with our first son. I was hit the first time in the forehead with a balled-up fist when my first son was around eighteen months old. I immediately called my parents and they told me that maybe he was just a little stressed since he was leaving the next day on deployment to the middle east. Of course, I felt sorry for him since he was having to leave and dismissed the hit. Sad mistake. It was, AT THAT VERY MOMENT, I subconsciously made abuse acceptable in my life. Looking back, it was a good thing I stayed with him or I wouldn't have my adorable second son. Well, the pattern of abuse continued...mostly verbal and emotional with a few shoves, etc thrown in there along the way for good measure. Gradually, I lost myself and became just a scared, angry, demoralized shell of a woman. Pathetic, huh? I began to believe through all of the lectures that I was a monster who didn't even deserve to be pissed on. Needless to say, I turned to alcohol to keep going through the day. I liked not caring. I wanted to slowly kill myself by drinking...didn't matter to me one bit. I self-mutilated quite a bit. It felt so good...what a wonderful release. I've broken all of my knuckles several times from pounding walls. I've slapped the snot out of myself, and cut my wrist. I would be dead right now if I hadn't filed for divorce when I did. I left with nothing. I just had to get out. One day in March of 2005, the x took me outside on the back porch (I had misbehaved...the kitchen was dirty) and lectured me again about how miserable he was, blah, blah, blah, then proceeded to tell me that July 4th, 2005 was going to be his 'independence day'...that he was leaving. I knew he was just bugging the shit out of me again, but that time I called his bluff and filed for divorce shortly after that. I was so, so very tired. He later said that he was just joking. Same old shit.
Well, I am still trying to find myself after being gone from myself for so long. Where do I begin? I just wake up grateful for my boys and for another day without abuse. I don't have anything and I know it is going to take time to heal, but I feel like I'm on the right track. I worry about my oldest boys since they witnessed and experienced alot of abuse. My oldest is already calling his girlfriend a dumbass and a fucking bitch. It breaks my heart. My ex has a new girlfriend and she is going to be in for a rude awakening if she stands up for herself during one of his tirades. I learned to automatically bow my head, cry fake tears, and say "You're right, I'm sorry."
It'll happen.
I didn't say anything to his boss about the documentation my lawyer has concerning his behavior. He is well paid and he needs to work to take care of college for my boys. Should I have gotten him fired? Yes. Why I didn't? I WOULD BE DEAD, FOR SURE. Initially, his boss went to him because word of abuse had reached him. The x denied it, and that was the end of that. Shame on his boss for taking an abusers word for it and leaving it alone!! Abuse victims often remain hidden in the shadows of silence and fear.
Anyway, I wanted to start a blog that can be a place for people to come and peek into my life in the hope of trying to understand what I went through. I have kept my life a secret for so long...I'm tired of hiding. I need to share in order to move on and heal. I write to remember that this will never happen to me again.
Survivor Girl
Affirmations
"I will eat garlic"
Survivor Girl's Affirmations for her healthy self-respect - June, 2005
- I will never be yelled at or talked to in an aggressive manner ever again
- I will never be spit on ever again
- I will never be lectured to like a child ever again (x still trying this one)
- I will never be pushed or shoved in any manner ever again
- I will never have my head shoved into any carpet or walls ever again
- I will never be choked ever again
- I will never be threatened with loss of life ever again
- I will never be called disgusting names ever again
- I will never have a loaded gun held at my head ever again
- I will never be told that I am a bad mother and worthless human being ever again (x still doing this)
- I will never be physically forced from a car ever again
- I will never get bruises and cuts ever again
- I will not suffer at the hands of anger and control ever again (x still trying to control)
- I will never smile, cover up, and deny ever again
- I will never self-mutilate ever again
- I will never bow my head and cry and say 'You're right' just to avoid punishment ever again
- I will never be physically tossed out of my house and thrown down steps ever again
- I WILL NEVER BE MANIPULATED OR CONTROLLED EVER AGAIN (still a work in process)
- I will never have my makeup and clothes put on by anyone else ever again
- I will never be a 'token' wife ever again
- I will NEVER be told to 'stand up straight', 'shut up', 'fuck you', etc EVER AGAIN
- I will never live in fear ever again (I still fear my abuser)
- I will not pray to die ever again
- I will not beg for mercy ever again
- I am not a cunt
- I AM NOT A PUPPET...I AM A HUMAN BEING
- I will not break my knuckles by pounding walls, slap myself, cut myself, or pull my hair to release my anger ever again
- I own my happiness and well being
- I am unique and special
- I am one of a kind
- I am a good mother and friend
- I am a beautiful woman
- I deserve to smile, laugh, express my opinions, and get angry if I wish
- I will never submit ever again
- I will be treated with dignity and respect
- I will hold my head up high, for I am a SURVIVOR
- I will never have an angry, controlling man in my life ever again
- I will buy my own clothes and go out in public the way I want to
- I will wear my hair straight if I wish
- I will eat garlic
- I will not tolerate this same behavior from my boys
- I am strong, for I am a SURVIVOR
- I will not be a victim ever again
- I know that everything wrong is not my fault
- I have learned that good times don't make up for the bad times
- I will never have hot coffee thrown on me ever again
- I will never have any objects thrown at me ever again
- I will never drink to cope ever again
- I will never face a balled-up fist ever again
- I will never hear a door slam ever again
- I AM A SURVIVOR
Rebirth
My coping sickness of drinking began to accelerate around 2002. I began drinking daily and with increasing frequency up until, oh, I guess, a little over three years ago. What I thought was my only way out was slowly killing me. I didn't care. I really should be dead right now. For some reason, I'm still here. The drinking actually kept me deep in the throes of the depression I felt I would never escape. My parents, brother, and boys would shed tears when they would see me. I didn't understand until recently how far gone I was. After I filed for divorce, my avalanche was still rolling downhill at breakneck speed and I didn't care. I hit my bottom and realized that I was slowly trying to commit suicide. Over several months, I gradually weaned myself off of my crutch and now have a clear head and body. Wow. I actually have feelings. I am so amazed how I gave my soul to my abuser. I have reclaimed my soul and body and will never relinquish them again. I feel sorry for my abuser along with a profound amount of bitterness. In a twisted sort of way, I'm glad I went through what I went through. I know what manipulation is and it is scary. I know what demons look like.
Shell shock
(Otto Dix, Trench Suicide, 1924)
Incoming!
that one was way too close
have to burrow deeper
deeper
ground shaking, ears ringing
don't have time to think
too close to the front-line
incessant barrage
bullet grazes my cheek
bloody desperation
screams go unheard
effort to advance thwarted
Retreat!
mad run for shelter from the enemy
primal need to survive
eyes wide and frantic
destruction engulfs me
that one was way too close
have to burrow deeper
deeper
ground shaking, ears ringing
don't have time to think
too close to the front-line
incessant barrage
bullet grazes my cheek
bloody desperation
screams go unheard
effort to advance thwarted
Retreat!
mad run for shelter from the enemy
primal need to survive
eyes wide and frantic
destruction engulfs me
Tracy, August 2004
Autopilot
Huh? Whatever
Why won't you leave me alone? I'm not bothering you
Hold on, already
Gone by seven am
No more shakes
Ready to take on the day
I did what?
I don't recall
I will try harder next time
Evil eyes pierce my heart
Turn around and let me unleash to your face
Stand up straight
Head swimming just right
OK
Tears of joy
Unconsciousness
Six am
Where did the time go?
Huh?
Tracy's life
February, 2004
Why won't you leave me alone? I'm not bothering you
Hold on, already
Gone by seven am
No more shakes
Ready to take on the day
I did what?
I don't recall
I will try harder next time
Evil eyes pierce my heart
Turn around and let me unleash to your face
Stand up straight
Head swimming just right
OK
Tears of joy
Unconsciousness
Six am
Where did the time go?
Huh?
Tracy's life
February, 2004
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