Survivng Domestic Abuse-Survivor Girl's story

Hello. I'm a survivor. Yes, I survived an abusive marriage. Please read my affirmations. I read them every day to remind me that I am special. I was divorced in June of 2005 after seventeen years of marriage. I have three beautiful sons. I left the marriage with nothing but my long-forgotten self. My former abuser is a successful professional who has no lack of material possessions and wealth. I have nothing except my boys, family, and friends...that makes me rich. I have a long way to go, but leaving was the first big step.

I hope I can help someone out there who needs help but doesn't know how to get it. I will do whatever I can to encourage you and help you to survive.

My marriage started out wonderfully. I found the man of my dreams...tall and handsome with beautiful light blue eyes. He would write me the most beautiful poems, and smart, so smart. I was smitten. We got married at twenty one and six months later I became pregnant with our first son. I was hit the first time in the forehead with a balled-up fist when my first son was around eighteen months old. I immediately called my parents and they told me that maybe he was just a little stressed since he was leaving the next day on deployment to the middle east. Of course, I felt sorry for him since he was having to leave and dismissed the hit. Sad mistake. It was, AT THAT VERY MOMENT, I subconsciously made abuse acceptable in my life. Looking back, it was a good thing I stayed with him or I wouldn't have my adorable second son. Well, the pattern of abuse continued...mostly verbal and emotional with a few shoves, etc thrown in there along the way for good measure. Gradually, I lost myself and became just a scared, angry, demoralized shell of a woman. Pathetic, huh? I began to believe through all of the lectures that I was a monster who didn't even deserve to be pissed on. Needless to say, I turned to alcohol to keep going through the day. I liked not caring. I wanted to slowly kill myself by drinking...didn't matter to me one bit. I self-mutilated quite a bit. It felt so good...what a wonderful release. I've broken all of my knuckles several times from pounding walls. I've slapped the snot out of myself, and cut my wrist. I would be dead right now if I hadn't filed for divorce when I did. I left with nothing. I just had to get out. One day in March of 2005, the x took me outside on the back porch (I had misbehaved...the kitchen was dirty) and lectured me again about how miserable he was, blah, blah, blah, then proceeded to tell me that July 4th, 2005 was going to be his 'independence day'...that he was leaving. I knew he was just bugging the shit out of me again, but that time I called his bluff and filed for divorce shortly after that. I was so, so very tired. He later said that he was just joking. Same old shit.

Well, I am still trying to find myself after being gone from myself for so long. Where do I begin? I just wake up grateful for my boys and for another day without abuse. I don't have anything and I know it is going to take time to heal, but I feel like I'm on the right track. I worry about my oldest boys since they witnessed and experienced alot of abuse. My oldest is already calling his girlfriend a dumbass and a fucking bitch. It breaks my heart. My ex has a new girlfriend and she is going to be in for a rude awakening if she stands up for herself during one of his tirades. I learned to automatically bow my head, cry fake tears, and say "You're right, I'm sorry."
It'll happen.
I didn't say anything to his boss about the documentation my lawyer has concerning his behavior. He is well paid and he needs to work to take care of college for my boys. Should I have gotten him fired? Yes. Why I didn't? I WOULD BE DEAD, FOR SURE. Initially, his boss went to him because word of abuse had reached him. The x denied it, and that was the end of that. Shame on his boss for taking an abusers word for it and leaving it alone!! Abuse victims often remain hidden in the shadows of silence and fear.

Anyway, I wanted to start a blog that can be a place for people to come and peek into my life in the hope of trying to understand what I went through. I have kept my life a secret for so long...I'm tired of hiding. I need to share in order to move on and heal. I write to remember that this will never happen to me again.

Survivor Girl