To all who have read and commented on my blog:
YOU are strong
YOU are blessed
YOU are special to me and all those you touch
YOU be the benchmark for change in those you care about
YOU are loved
YOU are my inspiration
Thank you for all of the words expressed here. I promise to continue writing. I apologize for being away for some time. My utmost love and best wishes to all of you. PLEASE continue to speak out and help others when you can. If you will, please send me your blog sites so that I can add them to mine if you have one! Stay strong, be tough and resolute, my friends!
Tracy
Gratitude
to my family...without whom I wouldn't be here
to my friends...you are my strength
to my fellow sufferers...you are here for me, I am here for you
to my friends...you are my strength
to my fellow sufferers...you are here for me, I am here for you
Survivng Domestic Abuse-Survivor Girl's story
Hello. I'm a survivor. Yes, I survived an abusive marriage. Please read my affirmations. I read them every day to remind me that I am special. I was divorced in June of 2005 after seventeen years of marriage. I have three beautiful sons. I left the marriage with nothing but my long-forgotten self. My former abuser is a successful professional who has no lack of material possessions and wealth. I have nothing except my boys, family, and friends...that makes me rich. I have a long way to go, but leaving was the first big step.
I hope I can help someone out there who needs help but doesn't know how to get it. I will do whatever I can to encourage you and help you to survive.
My marriage started out wonderfully. I found the man of my dreams...tall and handsome with beautiful light blue eyes. He would write me the most beautiful poems, and smart, so smart. I was smitten. We got married at twenty one and six months later I became pregnant with our first son. I was hit the first time in the forehead with a balled-up fist when my first son was around eighteen months old. I immediately called my parents and they told me that maybe he was just a little stressed since he was leaving the next day on deployment to the middle east. Of course, I felt sorry for him since he was having to leave and dismissed the hit. Sad mistake. It was, AT THAT VERY MOMENT, I subconsciously made abuse acceptable in my life. Looking back, it was a good thing I stayed with him or I wouldn't have my adorable second son. Well, the pattern of abuse continued...mostly verbal and emotional with a few shoves, etc thrown in there along the way for good measure. Gradually, I lost myself and became just a scared, angry, demoralized shell of a woman. Pathetic, huh? I began to believe through all of the lectures that I was a monster who didn't even deserve to be pissed on. Needless to say, I turned to alcohol to keep going through the day. I liked not caring. I wanted to slowly kill myself by drinking...didn't matter to me one bit. I self-mutilated quite a bit. It felt so good...what a wonderful release. I've broken all of my knuckles several times from pounding walls. I've slapped the snot out of myself, and cut my wrist. I would be dead right now if I hadn't filed for divorce when I did. I left with nothing. I just had to get out. One day in March of 2005, the x took me outside on the back porch (I had misbehaved...the kitchen was dirty) and lectured me again about how miserable he was, blah, blah, blah, then proceeded to tell me that July 4th, 2005 was going to be his 'independence day'...that he was leaving. I knew he was just bugging the shit out of me again, but that time I called his bluff and filed for divorce shortly after that. I was so, so very tired. He later said that he was just joking. Same old shit.
Well, I am still trying to find myself after being gone from myself for so long. Where do I begin? I just wake up grateful for my boys and for another day without abuse. I don't have anything and I know it is going to take time to heal, but I feel like I'm on the right track. I worry about my oldest boys since they witnessed and experienced alot of abuse. My oldest is already calling his girlfriend a dumbass and a fucking bitch. It breaks my heart. My ex has a new girlfriend and she is going to be in for a rude awakening if she stands up for herself during one of his tirades. I learned to automatically bow my head, cry fake tears, and say "You're right, I'm sorry."
It'll happen.
I didn't say anything to his boss about the documentation my lawyer has concerning his behavior. He is well paid and he needs to work to take care of college for my boys. Should I have gotten him fired? Yes. Why I didn't? I WOULD BE DEAD, FOR SURE. Initially, his boss went to him because word of abuse had reached him. The x denied it, and that was the end of that. Shame on his boss for taking an abusers word for it and leaving it alone!! Abuse victims often remain hidden in the shadows of silence and fear.
Anyway, I wanted to start a blog that can be a place for people to come and peek into my life in the hope of trying to understand what I went through. I have kept my life a secret for so long...I'm tired of hiding. I need to share in order to move on and heal. I write to remember that this will never happen to me again.
Survivor Girl
I hope I can help someone out there who needs help but doesn't know how to get it. I will do whatever I can to encourage you and help you to survive.
My marriage started out wonderfully. I found the man of my dreams...tall and handsome with beautiful light blue eyes. He would write me the most beautiful poems, and smart, so smart. I was smitten. We got married at twenty one and six months later I became pregnant with our first son. I was hit the first time in the forehead with a balled-up fist when my first son was around eighteen months old. I immediately called my parents and they told me that maybe he was just a little stressed since he was leaving the next day on deployment to the middle east. Of course, I felt sorry for him since he was having to leave and dismissed the hit. Sad mistake. It was, AT THAT VERY MOMENT, I subconsciously made abuse acceptable in my life. Looking back, it was a good thing I stayed with him or I wouldn't have my adorable second son. Well, the pattern of abuse continued...mostly verbal and emotional with a few shoves, etc thrown in there along the way for good measure. Gradually, I lost myself and became just a scared, angry, demoralized shell of a woman. Pathetic, huh? I began to believe through all of the lectures that I was a monster who didn't even deserve to be pissed on. Needless to say, I turned to alcohol to keep going through the day. I liked not caring. I wanted to slowly kill myself by drinking...didn't matter to me one bit. I self-mutilated quite a bit. It felt so good...what a wonderful release. I've broken all of my knuckles several times from pounding walls. I've slapped the snot out of myself, and cut my wrist. I would be dead right now if I hadn't filed for divorce when I did. I left with nothing. I just had to get out. One day in March of 2005, the x took me outside on the back porch (I had misbehaved...the kitchen was dirty) and lectured me again about how miserable he was, blah, blah, blah, then proceeded to tell me that July 4th, 2005 was going to be his 'independence day'...that he was leaving. I knew he was just bugging the shit out of me again, but that time I called his bluff and filed for divorce shortly after that. I was so, so very tired. He later said that he was just joking. Same old shit.
Well, I am still trying to find myself after being gone from myself for so long. Where do I begin? I just wake up grateful for my boys and for another day without abuse. I don't have anything and I know it is going to take time to heal, but I feel like I'm on the right track. I worry about my oldest boys since they witnessed and experienced alot of abuse. My oldest is already calling his girlfriend a dumbass and a fucking bitch. It breaks my heart. My ex has a new girlfriend and she is going to be in for a rude awakening if she stands up for herself during one of his tirades. I learned to automatically bow my head, cry fake tears, and say "You're right, I'm sorry."
It'll happen.
I didn't say anything to his boss about the documentation my lawyer has concerning his behavior. He is well paid and he needs to work to take care of college for my boys. Should I have gotten him fired? Yes. Why I didn't? I WOULD BE DEAD, FOR SURE. Initially, his boss went to him because word of abuse had reached him. The x denied it, and that was the end of that. Shame on his boss for taking an abusers word for it and leaving it alone!! Abuse victims often remain hidden in the shadows of silence and fear.
Anyway, I wanted to start a blog that can be a place for people to come and peek into my life in the hope of trying to understand what I went through. I have kept my life a secret for so long...I'm tired of hiding. I need to share in order to move on and heal. I write to remember that this will never happen to me again.
Survivor Girl
Affirmations
"I will eat garlic"
Survivor Girl's Affirmations for her healthy self-respect - June, 2005
- I will never be yelled at or talked to in an aggressive manner ever again
- I will never be spit on ever again
- I will never be lectured to like a child ever again (x still trying this one)
- I will never be pushed or shoved in any manner ever again
- I will never have my head shoved into any carpet or walls ever again
- I will never be choked ever again
- I will never be threatened with loss of life ever again
- I will never be called disgusting names ever again
- I will never have a loaded gun held at my head ever again
- I will never be told that I am a bad mother and worthless human being ever again (x still doing this)
- I will never be physically forced from a car ever again
- I will never get bruises and cuts ever again
- I will not suffer at the hands of anger and control ever again (x still trying to control)
- I will never smile, cover up, and deny ever again
- I will never self-mutilate ever again
- I will never bow my head and cry and say 'You're right' just to avoid punishment ever again
- I will never be physically tossed out of my house and thrown down steps ever again
- I WILL NEVER BE MANIPULATED OR CONTROLLED EVER AGAIN (still a work in process)
- I will never have my makeup and clothes put on by anyone else ever again
- I will never be a 'token' wife ever again
- I will NEVER be told to 'stand up straight', 'shut up', 'fuck you', etc EVER AGAIN
- I will never live in fear ever again (I still fear my abuser)
- I will not pray to die ever again
- I will not beg for mercy ever again
- I am not a cunt
- I AM NOT A PUPPET...I AM A HUMAN BEING
- I will not break my knuckles by pounding walls, slap myself, cut myself, or pull my hair to release my anger ever again
- I own my happiness and well being
- I am unique and special
- I am one of a kind
- I am a good mother and friend
- I am a beautiful woman
- I deserve to smile, laugh, express my opinions, and get angry if I wish
- I will never submit ever again
- I will be treated with dignity and respect
- I will hold my head up high, for I am a SURVIVOR
- I will never have an angry, controlling man in my life ever again
- I will buy my own clothes and go out in public the way I want to
- I will wear my hair straight if I wish
- I will eat garlic
- I will not tolerate this same behavior from my boys
- I am strong, for I am a SURVIVOR
- I will not be a victim ever again
- I know that everything wrong is not my fault
- I have learned that good times don't make up for the bad times
- I will never have hot coffee thrown on me ever again
- I will never have any objects thrown at me ever again
- I will never drink to cope ever again
- I will never face a balled-up fist ever again
- I will never hear a door slam ever again
- I AM A SURVIVOR
Rebirth
My coping sickness of drinking began to accelerate around 2002. I began drinking daily and with increasing frequency up until, oh, I guess, a little over three years ago. What I thought was my only way out was slowly killing me. I didn't care. I really should be dead right now. For some reason, I'm still here. The drinking actually kept me deep in the throes of the depression I felt I would never escape. My parents, brother, and boys would shed tears when they would see me. I didn't understand until recently how far gone I was. After I filed for divorce, my avalanche was still rolling downhill at breakneck speed and I didn't care. I hit my bottom and realized that I was slowly trying to commit suicide. Over several months, I gradually weaned myself off of my crutch and now have a clear head and body. Wow. I actually have feelings. I am so amazed how I gave my soul to my abuser. I have reclaimed my soul and body and will never relinquish them again. I feel sorry for my abuser along with a profound amount of bitterness. In a twisted sort of way, I'm glad I went through what I went through. I know what manipulation is and it is scary. I know what demons look like.
Shell shock
(Otto Dix, Trench Suicide, 1924)
Incoming!
that one was way too close
have to burrow deeper
deeper
ground shaking, ears ringing
don't have time to think
too close to the front-line
incessant barrage
bullet grazes my cheek
bloody desperation
screams go unheard
effort to advance thwarted
Retreat!
mad run for shelter from the enemy
primal need to survive
eyes wide and frantic
destruction engulfs me
that one was way too close
have to burrow deeper
deeper
ground shaking, ears ringing
don't have time to think
too close to the front-line
incessant barrage
bullet grazes my cheek
bloody desperation
screams go unheard
effort to advance thwarted
Retreat!
mad run for shelter from the enemy
primal need to survive
eyes wide and frantic
destruction engulfs me
Tracy, August 2004
Autopilot
Huh? Whatever
Why won't you leave me alone? I'm not bothering you
Hold on, already
Gone by seven am
No more shakes
Ready to take on the day
I did what?
I don't recall
I will try harder next time
Evil eyes pierce my heart
Turn around and let me unleash to your face
Stand up straight
Head swimming just right
OK
Tears of joy
Unconsciousness
Six am
Where did the time go?
Huh?
Tracy's life
February, 2004
Why won't you leave me alone? I'm not bothering you
Hold on, already
Gone by seven am
No more shakes
Ready to take on the day
I did what?
I don't recall
I will try harder next time
Evil eyes pierce my heart
Turn around and let me unleash to your face
Stand up straight
Head swimming just right
OK
Tears of joy
Unconsciousness
Six am
Where did the time go?
Huh?
Tracy's life
February, 2004
Little boy blue
"Mommy, can I keep him?", I plead
So cute and cuddly
Unusual light blue eyes
So loveable and playful
Huggable
Boundless energy, endless play
We snuggle close at night
New puppy smell is so sweet
Sweet Blue
Chasing his tail
Nipping my heels
Yip! Yip!
Frenzied blue eyes search for release
Bad Blue!
Head thrashing back and forth
Spit flies
Tattered treasures strewn about
Rabid, Sick
Poor, poor Blue
Blue eyes turn black
Lisa Germano
I've added a special section dedicated to the music of artist Lisa Germano. Boy, she's great! Her songs have sung to my heart for many years now. All of her cd's hold special treasures for me. I highly recommend them if you have some abuse/self-esteem problems. She speaks from her reality, and it is extremely powerful. There is something embracing and empowering about knowing you are not the only one who is going through hell. Abuse can isolate, common words can comfort.
Desperate cries to the unknown
Every night, I would pray that the x would die
over and over again...until I fell asleep
I also made a doll out of popsicle sticks
The x stick man with a garment of string and paper
I colored a red place where the heart was
Every night, I would stab that red place over and over again with a needle
Angry stabs...wishing for a heart ailment
I kept the doll hidden in my wardrobe
So much hate...only to be released on myself
over and over again...until I fell asleep
I also made a doll out of popsicle sticks
The x stick man with a garment of string and paper
I colored a red place where the heart was
Every night, I would stab that red place over and over again with a needle
Angry stabs...wishing for a heart ailment
I kept the doll hidden in my wardrobe
So much hate...only to be released on myself
Mask
My mask, beautiful mask
I cuddle behind it and suck my thumb in comfort
What sweet comfort
Blissful numbness
No worries or cares, just shake your head and look pretty, baby doll
Put this on and stand up straight
I will paint your porcelain face for all to see in the image The Master has created
Don't shatter the mask, no never
Turn around and stand up straight
Face the world proudly
So scared not to
Blissful numbness, puppet on a string
Tattered, battered puppet
So ugly without the mask
I lay in a clump until The Master takes control
Tracy
Dec, 2004
I cuddle behind it and suck my thumb in comfort
What sweet comfort
Blissful numbness
No worries or cares, just shake your head and look pretty, baby doll
Put this on and stand up straight
I will paint your porcelain face for all to see in the image The Master has created
Don't shatter the mask, no never
Turn around and stand up straight
Face the world proudly
So scared not to
Blissful numbness, puppet on a string
Tattered, battered puppet
So ugly without the mask
I lay in a clump until The Master takes control
Tracy
Dec, 2004
Where's my...????
Belt, palm pilot, glasses, phone? Every morning these items suddenly 'disappeared' and the x would fumble around until I told him where he'd left them. Over the years, I developed a keen sense of their whereabouts. I would make mental notes where these items were before I would go to bed, so that I could rattle them off to the x in the morning. This happened every day! Another daily ritual was the 'wall banging'. The x would get in the shower and start banging on the shower wall. This would signal me into action. The shampoo or the soap was not where he could access them, so I had to rush in and hand-deliver these items to him, ASAP! I had better be available at showertime, yesiree! Life would suck (moreso) if I happen to be out of the house at bathtime. I would ask him to make sure he had everything he needed before he showered, but that would've taken the fun out of me dropping what I was doing and running to his side. So scared not to run to him...Bang, bang, bang, bang....GET YOUR ASS IN HERE!!!! Bad Tracy! I wonder how he gets by now. I know I get by just fine with no banging.
Undeserving Twit
Show me your knuckles
Rap! Rap!
Feel the pain
Swelling
Not a tear
For you should be glad, little girl
Your wrongs for the class to see
They are laughing at you
you pathetic thing
This is for your own good
You will learn
Show me your soul
Rap! Rap!
Useless soul
No good, start again
Until you get it right
Not til I say so
Tracy
January, 2007
I wrote this today out of frustration. I guess my ex will still try to wield control over me as long as I have minor boys. I am trying to get some time with the boys this weekend and the ex wants them instead...wants to bond them with the new woman in the house. The ex tries to canonize himself at every opportunity. I should request to be in his good favor. If only I could wash his feet.
Rap! Rap!
Feel the pain
Swelling
Not a tear
For you should be glad, little girl
Your wrongs for the class to see
They are laughing at you
you pathetic thing
This is for your own good
You will learn
Show me your soul
Rap! Rap!
Useless soul
No good, start again
Until you get it right
Not til I say so
Tracy
January, 2007
I wrote this today out of frustration. I guess my ex will still try to wield control over me as long as I have minor boys. I am trying to get some time with the boys this weekend and the ex wants them instead...wants to bond them with the new woman in the house. The ex tries to canonize himself at every opportunity. I should request to be in his good favor. If only I could wash his feet.
Abilene
The x got tired of me a few years back when we went on a spring break trip out west. We stopped at a Dairy Queen for supper in Abilene, and my oldest son jumped on my back on the way in. I told him to quit, and the x flew into a rage...said to get in the car, now!! Needless to say, he stormed out all alone and left with the car. The boys and I ordered and sat down to eat. Twenty minutes later, he came tearing back in to the parking lot, came in and ordered us once again into the car. At this point, I was scared and tired. So into the car I go. The x sped off, and went across the highway to an Ihop, parked, and told the boys to go inside and sit for a little bit. I knew what was coming next, yeah buddy. I had another horrific verbal lashing that left blood on my back all right!! He was so loud and awful...it lasted for a little over an hour. He was flailing his arms, spitting at my turned-down head, etc...
What I don't get is this...there were people coming and going from their cars while he was doing this. I can understand noone wanting to be a hero and stop him, but at least someone could've gone into the restaurant and called the police. Why? Everyone could hear him!
What I don't get is this...there were people coming and going from their cars while he was doing this. I can understand noone wanting to be a hero and stop him, but at least someone could've gone into the restaurant and called the police. Why? Everyone could hear him!
The reason my heart beats
Poems I've written for the men in my life
My oldest son
Tears of joy when I knew you were alive inside me
Tears of pain when in childbirth
I didn't deserve for you to be a part of me
Left-handed and silly
Beautiful, receptive blue eyes
So kind
Thank you for who you are
You are my strength
Be strong always
My middle son
Inquisitive and smart
Pug-nosed and dimples like me
You have my laugh and same color eyes
Beautiful red/brown hair
Cuddler
Don't ever stop dreaming
Make your dreams a reality
Be strong always
My youngest son
Little mini-me, deep cleft chin
Blue, clear eyes
Sweet, infectious smile
There are not enough kisses for you
Flying like an airplane
Chasing a flashlight
Mamma's sweet gift
My oldest son
Tears of joy when I knew you were alive inside me
Tears of pain when in childbirth
I didn't deserve for you to be a part of me
Left-handed and silly
Beautiful, receptive blue eyes
So kind
Thank you for who you are
You are my strength
Be strong always
My middle son
Inquisitive and smart
Pug-nosed and dimples like me
You have my laugh and same color eyes
Beautiful red/brown hair
Cuddler
Don't ever stop dreaming
Make your dreams a reality
Be strong always
My youngest son
Little mini-me, deep cleft chin
Blue, clear eyes
Sweet, infectious smile
There are not enough kisses for you
Flying like an airplane
Chasing a flashlight
Mamma's sweet gift
Never to know abuse
Ever thankful
Ever thankful
How did that happen?
You know, the day after a good yanking was pretty interesting. This is the way it would go. Of course, I was a bad girl. Bad Tracy. I get out of bed, get ready for work, and what do you know?...bruises on my arm in the shape of finger marks. 'Look what you did.', I would say. 'I didn't think I grabbed you that hard.', he'd say. End of that.
The day after a poking during a lecture was just as good. Of course, I was in need of correction. Bad Tracy. I get out of bed, get ready for work, and what do you know?...a bruise on my chest in the shape of a finger. 'Look what you did.', I would say. 'I didn't think you would bruise that easily.', he'd say. End of that.
The day after a poking during a lecture was just as good. Of course, I was in need of correction. Bad Tracy. I get out of bed, get ready for work, and what do you know?...a bruise on my chest in the shape of a finger. 'Look what you did.', I would say. 'I didn't think you would bruise that easily.', he'd say. End of that.
The straw that broke the camel's back
Not only did I call the x's bluff and file on my own, but the main reason was because the x was becoming physically abusive with my oldest son. My oldest son had been the target for many years, and since the divorce, my oldest says that the x hasn't touched him, even though he kicked him out when he turned eighteen. Garbage bags full of his things strewn on the front lawn. Well, a few years back, my oldest son and his friend were picked up by the police for burning a bush in the friend's neighbor's yard. I went to go get him by myself...I didn't tell the x where I was going or what I was doing for obvious reasons. Well, I picked him up...he had to do some community service and apologize to the neighbor which worked out ok...he learned his lesson.
After we left the police station, we didn't go home. I was too scared. I drove around with him for about an hour until I went to a friend's house. I collapsed at their house a crying, hysterical mess. I couldn't quit!!! I was blinded by fear. We sat at my friend's house for another hour until I calmed down. My son then said 'She might need a place to stay, but I can take it.' I wasn't about to leave him alone, so we both went home. The ex was in bed, so I quietly told him what had happened and that I took care of it. He went to sleep. Yeah!!! I did it, I thought!! Morning came, the x jumped out of bed, put on his leather gloves, went to my sons room, jerked him out of bed, held him at the throat off his feet against the wall, and proceeded to do what he does best. He turned into a demon. I knew then I had to have the strength to leave. Sick Son of a Bitch!
After we left the police station, we didn't go home. I was too scared. I drove around with him for about an hour until I went to a friend's house. I collapsed at their house a crying, hysterical mess. I couldn't quit!!! I was blinded by fear. We sat at my friend's house for another hour until I calmed down. My son then said 'She might need a place to stay, but I can take it.' I wasn't about to leave him alone, so we both went home. The ex was in bed, so I quietly told him what had happened and that I took care of it. He went to sleep. Yeah!!! I did it, I thought!! Morning came, the x jumped out of bed, put on his leather gloves, went to my sons room, jerked him out of bed, held him at the throat off his feet against the wall, and proceeded to do what he does best. He turned into a demon. I knew then I had to have the strength to leave. Sick Son of a Bitch!
Paralyzed
by fear
I was not able to make rational decisions. When confronted with a difficult situation, I would freeze up like a deer staring at a car's headlights. My brain would go into automatic lockdown. I think that once a person is physically and psychologically 'tortured' over many years, the 'tortured' person believes that the 'torturer' is correct to be inflicting punishment. The 'tortured' can't function without the approval of the 'torturer'. The 'tortured' stays in a twisted world of confusion and uneasiness...not knowing what to do without the 'torturer's' guidance. So sad, but true.
Looking back, there are many situations where I wish I had the ability (strength?) to think beyond the fear. I was AND STILL AM scared of my x. He scares the shit out of me still. Even though I'm divorced, I still get chills when I have to have a conversation with him.
Why, when forced from our truck in an undesirable part of a certain city at night (yanked by the arm, which left a bruise), didn't I run up the street a mile or so to the police department? Why did I hunker down behind a building and wait for the x and the boys to return?
Why, when screamed at in Abilene (another post), didn't I get out and leave?
Why, when grabbed and forced out of my own house at night in my pajamas, thrown off the front porch and onto the ground, didn't I walk up the street to a neighbor's house and call the local battered women's shelter? Why did I sit there and wait to be let back in. He was kind enough to throw a blanket out for me after he tossed me out...jerk.
Why did I stand by crying with my son when the x took a hammer to my oldest son's favorite truck when he was four years old because he touched something he shouldn't have? I was as scared as my four year old. Pathetic and sad!!!! My oldest son still misses that truck. He remembers that vividly and I feel so terrible.
Why did I stand by crying (underlying theme) when my oldest son said something that pissed off the x on my oldest son's seventeenth birthday? The x dangled the gift he was going to give him in front of his face and screamed, "YOU THINK I'M A PUSSY???!!!" over and over again in front of all of us, including my mother.
Why did my pleading fall on deaf ears when the x displayed the following while driving? Mind you, these experiences were just when I was with him. Who knows what he did driving alone.
I was not able to make rational decisions. When confronted with a difficult situation, I would freeze up like a deer staring at a car's headlights. My brain would go into automatic lockdown. I think that once a person is physically and psychologically 'tortured' over many years, the 'tortured' person believes that the 'torturer' is correct to be inflicting punishment. The 'tortured' can't function without the approval of the 'torturer'. The 'tortured' stays in a twisted world of confusion and uneasiness...not knowing what to do without the 'torturer's' guidance. So sad, but true.
Looking back, there are many situations where I wish I had the ability (strength?) to think beyond the fear. I was AND STILL AM scared of my x. He scares the shit out of me still. Even though I'm divorced, I still get chills when I have to have a conversation with him.
Why, when forced from our truck in an undesirable part of a certain city at night (yanked by the arm, which left a bruise), didn't I run up the street a mile or so to the police department? Why did I hunker down behind a building and wait for the x and the boys to return?
Why, when screamed at in Abilene (another post), didn't I get out and leave?
Why, when grabbed and forced out of my own house at night in my pajamas, thrown off the front porch and onto the ground, didn't I walk up the street to a neighbor's house and call the local battered women's shelter? Why did I sit there and wait to be let back in. He was kind enough to throw a blanket out for me after he tossed me out...jerk.
Why did I stand by crying with my son when the x took a hammer to my oldest son's favorite truck when he was four years old because he touched something he shouldn't have? I was as scared as my four year old. Pathetic and sad!!!! My oldest son still misses that truck. He remembers that vividly and I feel so terrible.
Why did I stand by crying (underlying theme) when my oldest son said something that pissed off the x on my oldest son's seventeenth birthday? The x dangled the gift he was going to give him in front of his face and screamed, "YOU THINK I'M A PUSSY???!!!" over and over again in front of all of us, including my mother.
Why did my pleading fall on deaf ears when the x displayed the following while driving? Mind you, these experiences were just when I was with him. Who knows what he did driving alone.
- Followed a car in a shopping center parking lot, stopped directly behind that car, jumped out, yelling, and punched the driver over and over again as he tried to pull him out of his car through his window? Demon anger for all to see.
- Pulled up next to a driver that was irritating him, rolled down the window (my window...I was in the line of fire), instructed the other driver to pull over so that he could kill him with the gun he kept in the car.
- Followed one man to his house. When the man pulled into his driveway, the x blocked it, got out, and turned into a demon. The man was so scared, he refused to get out of his car until we left. Smart man.
I was so overcome with fright, I would shake uncontrollably...my pleading would fall onto deaf ears when he 'changed'.
These are just a few of MANY episodes...I just touched the surface. I don't think I will ever understand why I stayed for so long...why I 'consented' to being abused. I am so scared that this will happen to me again.
Dobby
The house elf from Harry Potter
He used to punish himself when he betrayed his master
Cute little guy
I wonder if he ever punched walls...
He used to punish himself when he betrayed his master
Cute little guy
I wonder if he ever punched walls...
My Space
For years, my evenings consisted of cooking and cleaning after work. After that, I had my own space near the head of my bed on the floor where I'd plop down in a crunched, hunkered over position and just sit there until bedtime. I would just hold myself. It felt so comforting to have a small, small space to curl myself up in. I just couldn't stand the thought of spreading out. I had to hold myself tight. I remember when I decided to leave my abuser. I spent days in this position...just rocking and crying.
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