Little boy blue

"Mommy, can I keep him?", I plead
So cute and cuddly
Unusual light blue eyes
So loveable and playful
Huggable
Boundless energy, endless play
We snuggle close at night
New puppy smell is so sweet
Sweet Blue

Chasing his tail
Nipping my heels
Yip! Yip!
Frenzied blue eyes search for release

Bad Blue!
Head thrashing back and forth
Spit flies
Tattered treasures strewn about
Rabid, Sick

Poor, poor Blue
Blue eyes turn black

Lisa Germano

I've added a special section dedicated to the music of artist Lisa Germano. Boy, she's great! Her songs have sung to my heart for many years now. All of her cd's hold special treasures for me. I highly recommend them if you have some abuse/self-esteem problems. She speaks from her reality, and it is extremely powerful. There is something embracing and empowering about knowing you are not the only one who is going through hell. Abuse can isolate, common words can comfort.

Desperate cries to the unknown

Every night, I would pray that the x would die
over and over again...until I fell asleep

I also made a doll out of popsicle sticks
The x stick man with a garment of string and paper
I colored a red place where the heart was
Every night, I would stab that red place over and over again with a needle
Angry stabs...wishing for a heart ailment

I kept the doll hidden in my wardrobe

So much hate...only to be released on myself

Mask

My mask, beautiful mask
I cuddle behind it and suck my thumb in comfort
What sweet comfort
Blissful numbness
No worries or cares, just shake your head and look pretty, baby doll
Put this on and stand up straight
I will paint your porcelain face for all to see in the image The Master has created
Don't shatter the mask, no never
Turn around and stand up straight
Face the world proudly
So scared not to
Blissful numbness, puppet on a string
Tattered, battered puppet
So ugly without the mask
I lay in a clump until The Master takes control

Tracy
Dec, 2004

Where's my...????

Belt, palm pilot, glasses, phone? Every morning these items suddenly 'disappeared' and the x would fumble around until I told him where he'd left them. Over the years, I developed a keen sense of their whereabouts. I would make mental notes where these items were before I would go to bed, so that I could rattle them off to the x in the morning. This happened every day! Another daily ritual was the 'wall banging'. The x would get in the shower and start banging on the shower wall. This would signal me into action. The shampoo or the soap was not where he could access them, so I had to rush in and hand-deliver these items to him, ASAP! I had better be available at showertime, yesiree! Life would suck (moreso) if I happen to be out of the house at bathtime. I would ask him to make sure he had everything he needed before he showered, but that would've taken the fun out of me dropping what I was doing and running to his side. So scared not to run to him...Bang, bang, bang, bang....GET YOUR ASS IN HERE!!!! Bad Tracy! I wonder how he gets by now. I know I get by just fine with no banging.

Undeserving Twit

Show me your knuckles
Rap! Rap!
Feel the pain
Swelling
Not a tear
For you should be glad, little girl
Your wrongs for the class to see
They are laughing at you
you pathetic thing
This is for your own good
You will learn

Show me your soul
Rap! Rap!
Useless soul
No good, start again
Until you get it right
Not til I say so

Tracy
January, 2007

I wrote this today out of frustration. I guess my ex will still try to wield control over me as long as I have minor boys. I am trying to get some time with the boys this weekend and the ex wants them instead...wants to bond them with the new woman in the house. The ex tries to canonize himself at every opportunity. I should request to be in his good favor. If only I could wash his feet.

Abilene

The x got tired of me a few years back when we went on a spring break trip out west. We stopped at a Dairy Queen for supper in Abilene, and my oldest son jumped on my back on the way in. I told him to quit, and the x flew into a rage...said to get in the car, now!! Needless to say, he stormed out all alone and left with the car. The boys and I ordered and sat down to eat. Twenty minutes later, he came tearing back in to the parking lot, came in and ordered us once again into the car. At this point, I was scared and tired. So into the car I go. The x sped off, and went across the highway to an Ihop, parked, and told the boys to go inside and sit for a little bit. I knew what was coming next, yeah buddy. I had another horrific verbal lashing that left blood on my back all right!! He was so loud and awful...it lasted for a little over an hour. He was flailing his arms, spitting at my turned-down head, etc...

What I don't get is this...there were people coming and going from their cars while he was doing this. I can understand noone wanting to be a hero and stop him, but at least someone could've gone into the restaurant and called the police. Why? Everyone could hear him!