Paralyzed

by fear

I was not able to make rational decisions. When confronted with a difficult situation, I would freeze up like a deer staring at a car's headlights. My brain would go into automatic lockdown. I think that once a person is physically and psychologically 'tortured' over many years, the 'tortured' person believes that the 'torturer' is correct to be inflicting punishment. The 'tortured' can't function without the approval of the 'torturer'. The 'tortured' stays in a twisted world of confusion and uneasiness...not knowing what to do without the 'torturer's' guidance. So sad, but true.

Looking back, there are many situations where I wish I had the ability (strength?) to think beyond the fear. I was AND STILL AM scared of my x. He scares the shit out of me still. Even though I'm divorced, I still get chills when I have to have a conversation with him.

Why, when forced from our truck in an undesirable part of a certain city at night (yanked by the arm, which left a bruise), didn't I run up the street a mile or so to the police department? Why did I hunker down behind a building and wait for the x and the boys to return?

Why, when screamed at in Abilene (another post), didn't I get out and leave?

Why, when grabbed and forced out of my own house at night in my pajamas, thrown off the front porch and onto the ground, didn't I walk up the street to a neighbor's house and call the local battered women's shelter? Why did I sit there and wait to be let back in. He was kind enough to throw a blanket out for me after he tossed me out...jerk.

Why did I stand by crying with my son when the x took a hammer to my oldest son's favorite truck when he was four years old because he touched something he shouldn't have? I was as scared as my four year old. Pathetic and sad!!!! My oldest son still misses that truck. He remembers that vividly and I feel so terrible.

Why did I stand by crying (underlying theme) when my oldest son said something that pissed off the x on my oldest son's seventeenth birthday? The x dangled the gift he was going to give him in front of his face and screamed, "YOU THINK I'M A PUSSY???!!!" over and over again in front of all of us, including my mother.

Why did my pleading fall on deaf ears when the x displayed the following while driving? Mind you, these experiences were just when I was with him. Who knows what he did driving alone.

• Followed a car in a shopping center parking lot, stopped directly behind that car, jumped out, yelling, and punched the driver over and over again as he tried to pull him out of his car through his window? Demon anger for all to see.
• Pulled up next to a driver that was irritating him, rolled down the window (my window...I was in the line of fire), instructed the other driver to pull over so that he could kill him with the gun he kept in the car.
• Followed one man to his house. When the man pulled into his driveway, the x blocked it, got out, and turned into a demon. The man was so scared, he refused to get out of his car until we left. Smart man.

I was so overcome with fright, I would shake uncontrollably...my pleading would fall onto deaf ears when he 'changed'.

These are just a few of MANY episodes...I just touched the surface. I don't think I will ever understand why I stayed for so long...why I 'consented' to being abused. I am so scared that this will happen to me again.